The Crime Boss of Feelings
I am currently the boss of learning how to whack my lower vibrational feelings and come out on the other side. I once read in a Pema Chodron book “Nothing goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” If that does not sum up my life, I don’t know what does.
Growing is hard. Growth spurts hurt. Growing up has been something I continue to question. There have been struggles. Learning a new way of doing things is frustrating. All we are really doing as humans is growing, learning, and being schooled. Dealing with difficult things that take us to the other side of this thing called life. It can be daunting when the state of mind is not right. It WAS daunting because I was not in the right state of mind. But I was the boss, so I could showboat through life flexing that I was just “Fine.” I was THE powerful ego-centric Crime Boss of Feelings.
For me, being the boss meant I never had to feel anything. I could “handle” whatever feeling came my way because I could call a guy for that. There was some person, place, or thing that could somehow distract me enough to not really feel anything. So that’s what I did. Every time I had an unwelcoming feeling, I called “my guy”, and we “buried” it, never to be seen or spoken of again. Gone forever. Until it led me to where I am right here, right now.
Being the boss was fun. The unconscious flying by the seat of my pants version of myself had an exceptionally fantastic time with some epic tales. Despite the pain, hopelessness, and despair there was a ton of excitement. Memories with some pretty important characters for days! I had what I thought was my dream life. I lived the way I wanted to live. Traveled where I wanted to go. Rolled with a posse that was pretty much hand chosen by me. I spent the majority of my 20s and 30s running around NYC. A time when NYC was really the only place to be! But it started becoming a chore. I was no longer having a blast. The strain of “being the boss” was becoming just too stressful. Things were just beginning to come unhinged. The stuff that traditionally brought me joy now brought me stress. Fear was in the driver's seat.
Like in all good mafia movies, the FEDS somehow always have their eyes on the family. The FEDS (my feelings) were following the Boss (me). The boss was being tracked, shadowed, and hunted by the FEDS. We are all aware of how these stories end... death or institutions. For this crime boss of feelings, I chose death. I don’t mean that in the literal leave your body has a funeral kind of way. I mean the form of a dark night of the soul. The path of the spiritual warrior. The course by which you get a 2nd, 3rd, 4th chance. The journey of awakening.
There are 2 major points in my life where near-death occurred and later death occurred - #1 getting sober, and #2 moving to Hawaii. I almost “died” when I got sober, but I really did not die until 14 years later. Stopping the cycle of addiction was like waking up from a coma. You are awake but only to relearn everything there was to learn about being a person.
I had to reestablish a connection to my body. The years of pushing the limits of how far you could go in one night had taken a toll on me. My body was not really my body it was just this form of skin and bones that I walked around in. I had to connect back to something greater than myself in order for my spirit to get a taste of recovery. My mind was so fried from chemicals and stress that it just needed a full re-program. We would partially re-program and then go full reset with the death that was coming. But I lived. I got one more chance.
The drinking was never as bad as the drugging partially because I was in a blackout 99.9% of the time. How could you feel ashamed for things you never remembered. It was more socially acceptable to be a fall-down drunk vs an ugly drug addict junkie. I kept up the drunk girl routine long enough to erase the memories of the past and dig myself into a deep dark hole of nothing. So 2005 rolls around I muster up enough strength to put stop boozing. I had already miraculously stopped using cocaine 1 year prior to this. I basically got scared straight by a really aggressive hangover. I felt so terrible laying on my brand new bed with no sheets eating disgusting Mexican food that I just could not stomach another day like that. I believe in miracles but that is for another story!
When I first stopped drinking, I thought I was in “control.” I thought well now I am not out of my mind drunk I have it “together.” Never have I been more wrong. I walked around forcing everything I could force into whatever open space I could find. It was a brutal cycle of despair and disappointment. My life got better when I was no longer consumed by drugs and alcohol. That is the fact. I felt a wee bit more stable. I held it together for the most part. The outbursts were slightly more manageable. The pain is kind of easier to manage. And me, well I became a rigid little darling who kept my cards tight. Everything was “FINE.”
But let’s be real nothing is ever ‘fine’. Fine = really not ok. More like Send help NOW. S.O.S. but don’t tell anyone.
I had a pretty decent run of good girl sobriety. I followed the rules of the game. I did as I was told. Things around me shifted. What they said would happen was happening. Somewhere in there, it started to get dark again. My feelings (the FEDS) were showing face. I could sense I was being followed. Could hear clicks on the phone. Spots those same cop-style cars in the rearview mirror. It was mind-boggling to me that these old feelings (the FEDS) were back. How in the world did I let this happen? I was careful. Covered my tracks. There was no paper trail. I used payphones. I spoke in code. I never talked to anyone outside of the family. The paranoia strikes and takes over. The tail can’t be ditched. The safehouses are not safe.
I could run but I am not sure I had the energy to hide. So what did I do? I got whacked. I died somewhere in my late 30s in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The old me died. Straight up, shot in the face dead. She went fast. The lead-up was a bit intense but once the trigger was pulled gone. Closed casket. Ashes spread over the pacific ocean paddle out at 3 PM.
Once I was dead, The darkness didn’t own me anymore it guided me.
I know that sounds absolutely f-ing INSANE. Who says that? But it is the actual truth. The more I connected to the stuff about myself that I want to bury and never look at again the more I get better. Like tonight before I started writing this I was sad. But since the old me is dead now I did not run, mask or hide it. I sat in my tropical incubator of an apartment and cried and coughed my guts out. Because that’s what I do now. I deal with it. I take life head-on. I go toe to toe with the monsters. ME VS THEM. I muster up more strength or as some might call life force and I release it from my body.
Pay attention the next time you have a good cry. What is going on? I cry, whimper and cough until I feel like
A. The blood vessels in my head are going to explode
OR
B. I am going to throw up everywhere. Nine times out of ten neither A nor B happens, but that is how I release in my body.
Making space for the next thing to come through. Clearing out the garbage to make space for the treasures. These things can be healed. The disgusting feelings that stalked me for years were spread with my ashes from the paddle out. They died when I died. I am no longer stalked by my own feelings and emotions. I still have wild feelings. I still process on a deep level. I hated it before I died, now I am conscious enough to stomach it but that doesn’t mean I like it. It still hurts the only difference is that now I know how to manage it. I am extremely conscious of it. I know without out I am not really who I am.
So here’s to dying a few times in this lifetime. Here’s to mustering up enough courage to stop the negative current. Here’s to looking at the truest most real stuff in our lives and dealing with it.
You got this cutie pie!
P.S If you feel you have a problem with drugs or alcohol please go to Alcoholics Anonymous if you are feeling suicidal Call 1-800-273-8255
Self Love Action:
1. Write down on one paper all the things that need to die in your life. I would call this your lower vibrational obsession list. Some of my favorites are fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, zero to no self-esteem, or self-worth.
2. Take out another piece of paper and write down ways you can make small baby changes to the things on the death list. The goal of list #2 is to establish higher vibrational actions like love, acceptance, strength, accountability, self-esteem, self-love.
3. Take list #1 and BURN IT!