Who Even Knows
The past month has been a deep exploration of life. Astrologically we had two eclipses in the middle of Scorpio, so you know transforming, intensity, and depth. Eclipse season is a transitional period of reflection. A moment to realign your game plan. Then start rebuilding whatever you have blown up over the course of the past few months. Sometimes when we are in the middle of doing the work (slide 6) life can feel totally dull. While simultaneously feeling like the biggest challenge of our life. And of course, the conflicts that arise as we move from the old to the new.
Can I get a plus 1 on that?!
My hot topic of life right now…The game I play with myself around being so motivated that I can change the world, to being completely uninspired by anything life has to offer. Yes, even in the tropics this happens. So in the discomfort of not feeling inspired and like the only thing I wanted to do was lay in bed and listen to Taylor Swiftʻs new album, I learned that there is still a wicked voice in my head that shames me when I feel this type of way. Telling me nonstop that I am doing something wrong by resting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with everything stopping for a moment.
UGH, the voice. I know you babes know it. Loud, mean, condescending, and just the worst. So here I am laying in bed with Anti-Hero playing for the millionth time and I realized it is me that I am the problem.
So now what?
I did the only thing I knew would inspire me: I called my astrologer. You see I need support from practitioners that inspire me to want to get out of my same old same old. Like training wheels, I just need them on for a bit until I find my stride. Then maybe I will take them off if and when I feel confident. I make the rules on frequency based on my needs for the moment.
The theme of this reading was charting the unknown. Not feeling inspired or like I have to go go go is unknown to me. For most of my life, I participated in, helped fund, and got validated by Hustle Culture. I knew nothing about nurturing myself. There was a line of people ahead of me that I needed to make sure were good before I even considered myself. Tenderness did not even exist in my thick-skinned I am “fine” existence. Quite frankly I knew nothing about myself. The safest way for me to be was talking fast, moving fast, and just being fast. (Tell me you are a fire sign without telling me you are a fire sign.)
Once I got to Hawaii I would be confronted by things moving slowly. Island pace is obviously no NYC pace. Things drastically slowed down and that gave me a moment to explore. Now let me be real, I had been avoiding these parts of myself for decades. My entire existence, my safety net, and my emotional support obsessions were about to get addressed. I had no idea that this move would give me enough courage and discipline to take on my inner Regina George.
And let me tell you I did. I went to war with the meanest girl I have ever known, the one that lived inside of me.
First on the agenda was figuring out how to get out of my disassociated state and more present in my body. Then I was going to unblock the angels and start letting them text again! That meant incorporating things like mindfulness practices, routines, sleep, exercise, exploring my coffee-to-water ratio each day, and treating my nervous system. Things that would help me clear my head so I could receive the delicious gifts of desperation, fear, lack of motivation, anxiety, and the list goes on.
A lot of this work came with the help of my astrology chart. My natal and transit charts became my love language for self-discovery. The place I went to learn about myself, so I could actually begin to love myself. This was a long slow process. Every time I felt like I got somewhere there was something else waiting for me to uncover. That was my moment of surrender when I realized this work was never going to disappear. The goal was to just find ways to work with it instead of against it.
It is mind-boggling to me that I would feel displeasure in laying around, resting, taking long hot showers, and brushing my hair. Stepping out of an old game plan is complicated when that has been ingrained into us for years. The beginning felt strange. But I soon would understand that in order for me to keep going to move forward, I had to take breaks along the way. The old life of “hustling hard” was not going to work this time.
Eventually, after crawling my way to peace, I would soon find so much beauty in this type of living. An elegance that is sexy. Some may call it the Divine Feminine I call it learning about mars and venus in my astrology chart. The yang and the yin.
This is the new character I am writing about. She is such a sweet tender-hearted babe. Her voice is soft and loving. She smiles at me. Supportive in a way that is so familiar. It is the way I love everyone else. Finally, I was giving love, respect, and tenderness to the person who needed it the most - ME. But we are still getting to know each other and just like any new relationship (even the one with ourselves) it takes time to settle in. I know I want this hottie to stay. I am just giving her the space to be with me. Respectfully I will let the other one know her contract is not getting renewed. She is being written off the show. #bye
So my sweet baby angels hereʻs to trying something new. Stepping so far out of our comfort zone, stepping off the cliff of uncertainty, and just free-falling for a bit while we fall madly in love with ourselves.
Self-Adoration Activity:
Write a description of the mean human in your head. Identify it so that when it’s loud and unruly you can call it out!
Write a description of the sweet tender human in your head.
I dare you to try to rest!